I awoke around 4 am as my body contracted making way for a human to be pushed out of my body. I felt overwhelmed with pain and fear. Surely I can't do this! Surely I'm not strong enough! I looked at my husband, and I said, "Forget about this natural birth stuff just take me to the hospital for the epidural! I'm not going to be able to do this!" He turned to me, and said, "Yes, you can do this!" I squeezed his hand, soaking in his knowing of me in between him getting the 3 boys into the car to make way to the birthing center.
With each wave of pain I went through rounds of I can't followed by this other part of me...this part that seemed like a crazy stranger just barely out of reach whom I must make at home inside my mind...saying O for open...release...on the other side of this is baby... I swirled my head around to find my moment of surrender.
My water broke getting into the car. On the ride to the birthing center, I felt hell sweating down my face. I said, "I FEEL LIKE PUSHING!!" With hub begging, "No, not yet...baby just 1 more minute!" I'm was thinking whatever you say....but if she comes n the car so be it! At the birthing center, I had a good hour of pushing because she was turned facing the sun. The midwife didn't know how far dilated I was because my cervix was wrapped around the baby?! She comforted me by saying, "You can have this baby now what are you waiting for?" sure...that sounds easy lol
:) I squeezed a lot of hands! In the end I sat on the toilet holding hubby in front of me. I pushed with my whole being and felt the most satisfying pressure of her head crowning. Then the I was reborn in me that can do all things....the courageous, beautiful, full of life me that lives just on the other side of 5 hr labor, fear, pain, blood, and tears.
Now the me lives who wishes I would've made Hubby get it on video and take more pics of all the rawness but that me better stfu!! <3 Baby Roni
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